Monday, May 12, 2008

Mother's Day Musings

Well, my mother's day was better than some other mothers'. Not the greatest, but not bad. We spent the day doing nothing but lounging around and recuperating from the events during the past couple of weeks, which we all really needed. It's been a really difficult couple of weeks for reasons I will not blog about.

Really it's been a difficult couple of months here. And to be brutally honest, I have not been the best mother lately. I do not deal with stress very well. I withdraw. And I've been entirely too withdrawn for the past couple of months. Since our big move. Things did not go well and haven't really gone well since. And instead of trying to do something to make things better for everyone else, I just check out and become non-functional. I spend my time idly blogging about trivial fluff. Why? Because I need to write. I need to keep writing. I need to pretend like everything is fine. Like I am fine. I'm an expert at avoidance. I can avoid my problems forever and pretend like everything is just perfect.

Visiting our house back up north I realized how much I really missed living there. It certainly had its drawbacks, but it was our house. It was spacious. And we had a nice fenced yard for the kids and dogs. We were really just starting our home there. It was really sad leaving it again. Funny, because I was all too eager to leave it a couple of months ago and not look back. I was looking forward to how great our life would be in this new small town, new community - where there was a school and park and downtown area, and grocery store. A nice little community for my children to grow and be a part of. A job that my husband would enjoy and a place where I could feel connected. I could find other moms to become friends with so I wouldn't feel so alone. I could become a better mother. Take the kids on walks to the park, downtown, to the theatre, to the bowling alley... get involved in the school for my older daughter... let her get involved in things at school...

I thought the problem was the place. When all along the problem was me. I'm the same here as I was there. I realize now, too late, how comfortable things were there and that I could have easily made some changes there. It just would have required some effort on my part.

I feel so selfish. Of course it was shared decision between my husband and myself. His job wasn't great up there. But down here, his job is actually quite a bit worse. And my 11-year-old daughter is not happy with the move either. She misses her friends up north and wants to go back. Of course that's not really possible, so we all have to make do.

Through the events that have transpired over the past couple of months, I know that I do not have things bad in the least. Sure we've had challenges and rough spots, but really things could be so much worse. I am blessed to have 3-sometimes 4 wonderful children along with a great husband. He has so much more strength than I can ever hope to acquire. And he is one of the most loyal people I've ever met. I am so thankful to have what I do. I just need to step up, check myself back in, and be the mother that I always wanted to be.


Suzie said...

I hate to say something my mother would say but maybe if you give it time it wont be so bad. Moving is up there with one of the most traumatic things you could do. It might not be so bad and in time your daughter will adjust too.

Kmommy said...

Thank you Suzie.

Nissa said...

Big Hugs, hun! I think we all do the 'checking out' sometimes. I know I do. Change is difficult, too, of course. I hope you were able to de-stress enough to be connected mommy again!

Kmommy said...

Thanks Nissa. Yes, I'm beginning that phase of de-stressing and checking back in :)

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